Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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