I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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