Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
