Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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