Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
