Just cropdusted the office
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
