That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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