The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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