If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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