you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
