There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
