I'm really into asian looking animals
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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