how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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