just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
