Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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