I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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