Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
