Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
