why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
