I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
This baby is an asshole
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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