you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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