So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He has the fingertips of a God
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