The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Randomize
