You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Randomize
