I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
