Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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