Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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