I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
