you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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