if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
