: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
