i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
