So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
