It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
