we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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