my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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