I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
