im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
