then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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