I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Randomize
