You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
