So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
