i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
