dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Randomize
