Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
