I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
