I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
