I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
