Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
is wine microwaveable?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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