Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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