Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
