Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
