so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
