Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
